I wish I wasn’t so sad all the time, I know it’s my own fault but it’s impossible to help it. It effects everything I do, I can’t have a good time with people I love and I always feel even worse afterwards, discouraging everything I said and did while with them. I need to learn how to be more sociable and learn how to actually engage others much more than on a surface level, especially strangers. It can only come from practice but I just can’t bring myself to go out or meet new people. I’ve wasted countless opportunities to make new friends and even meet great girls. Dozens of times I’ve screwed myself out of having a good time and always end up digging this hole deeper. Most of the stress comes from the cultural obligations surrounding sex and even on a more basic level of male/female interaction. I just can’t live up to what I think others want. I’ve tried to convince myself that I don’t need the companionship and it’s almost working, I’m mostly fine being alone, because I feel like I’d disappoint whoever I was with regardless, but it’s coming to a breaking point. I feel like I missed out on whatever social “head start” that most people got in high school, but that’s a stupid excuse. I guess all in all I’m just scared, scared of what others think, scared of being a disappointment, scared of other people, scared of the concept of being alone, even with a solid group of great, trustworthy, loving friends, which I am lucky enough to have. I try my hardest to be the best me I can, but when it comes down to it I feel like not even my closest friends know the real me, the me that I talk to every night while I struggle to sleep. I just can’t be free. I feel crazy, weird, stupid, whatever, but I know that I’m not. I’m mostly happy with myself, with obvious room for improvement. Its like I just turn into a different person in the spotlight, a frightened little fucking child. I do a great job pretending that I’m sociable and outgoing but at the end of the day I need to work on me being me and being a hit or miss, rather than closing up and missing every time. I can’t be with anybody if I can’t even decipher myself. I have such a hard time talking about me or whatever is going on in my life with others. I keep everything so bottled, maybe I need to talk to a therapist or something, but for now, this will do.